So when you start to prepare your body for conceiving they say that for the first three months you don't count as ttc -trying to conceive- . You have to prepare your body. You cut out sugars, carbonated drinks, caffeine, alcohol, smoking, and drugs etc. AND you start taking a prenatal so your body is getting the right amount of vitamins. Diet and Exercise is important as well to keep your body healthy. SOOOO I did all of those things. I stopped drinking the occasional drink, I stopped drinking sweet tea, coffee, and cokes. I took my prenatal every day. I worked out regularly. I ate very healthy. For the first year and half I was gun-ho on doing the right things. I was strict with everything. Then I would slack off and added back caffeine and coffee. I figured people get pregnant drunk all the time why can't I drink a Dr. Pepper. I do not work out any longer. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do all my teaching stuff done AND make it to the gym with out taking an hour or so of my sleeping time.What I think about has changed, nothing is the same.
I had some conversation with a friend of mine and she gave me some sound advice that I would like to share:
First of all, infertility never goes away completely. I wish with all
my heart that I had a better answer than that, but truthfully, it
changes who you are. There will probably always be a level of hurt that
stays with you. The good news is that over time, it becomes bearable.
There are little things that bring it to the forefront at times, but I
have found that it doesn't last, and it is easier to feel normal again. However, I like to say that while adoption is a cure for a broken heart, it is NOT a cure for infertility.
In the back of my mind, I never gave up hope that I would get pregnant. I know that it probably seems hard to believe. I believed God would give me a child. He heard a lot about my anger, often, and I think that is okay! Being
angry is completely normal, and we know that even Jesus felt anger at
times. I guess my point is, there is always hope, even when the door seems to
close. Just because you decide not to pursue more treatment or move on
to adoption, it does not mean that miracles can't happen. I still have some anger over not having a "choice" in how many children
I have or how they came to me! There are still occasionally things
that make my heart hurt or make me sad. The one thing I have learned is
that it is SO normal!!! All women who have experienced infertility
have the exact same emotions. t is okay to be angry, as long as you hold on to your faith in
God. Truly, anything is possible with him. I feel like I should have a
gold medal in patience by now, but it has not been easy. Years of
struggling have come at a cost. I will never be the same person I was
before infertility. However, there are so many, many gifts I have from
such a difficult journey. In my own life, I can now see that his plan
was so much better than my own.
I hope something I have said will make a little sense. Most of all, I
want you to know that it is okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and any other
emotion you feel. As long as God knows that you love him, he will love
you through the hurt too.
I will be praying for God to lead you in the right path and help you to
heal your heart. No matter where the journey leads, I believe you will
be a great mom! God placed this desire on your heart, so I know he has
big plans. He has managed to use my worst pain for some amazing things,
and I know he will do the same for you. I wish I had some perfect
words of wisdom, but God will heal your heart. If he leads you to
adoption, you will know, and he will find a way to make it happen. If
you are meant to be pregnant, God will make it happen regardless of your
egg quality, endometriosis, or anything else that can be thrown your
way. The verse that has always kept me going is Matthew 21:22
"And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."
That
verse has kept me going all these years, and I still wear it around my
neck every day. Hold on to your faith, even when your heart is saying
give up. I promise, one day, it's all gonna be okay. I think
maintaining friendships through infertility is one of the hardest
things. People are so insensitive, and the only people who truly
understand are those who have lived it. I have lost many friends along
the way. Some friendships have found their way back, but it is so, so
hard. I have heard all of that same advice, and if it makes you feel
better...I couldn't even repeat the things that have gone through my
head in response!!!
I think everyone who has gone through infertility wonders if they are
being punished. I know I did. But I will say with 100% positivity that
you are not!!! God doesn't work that way. No matter how angry or far you
feel from God, he is right there with you. I don't think God gave us
infertility. This fallen world did. I do think he can use it to fulfill
his ultimate will for us. You are holding onto faith as long as you
still believe that God can send you a miracle. It doesn't matter how
angry and hurt you are...if you can still manage to find hope in him,
that is faith. If you still long for that red headed Mexican baby, THAT
is faith! You will be okay, no matter where he leads you. If you pursue adoption,
you will be fine. The majority of adoptive parents have the same issues
relating to infertility, which makes us all a little crazy! It also
makes us fighters! I think God chooses the strongest, most loving hearts
to adopt. Just remember that if you do decide to adopt, it doesn't
close the door on getting pregnant. It's okay to still hope for a
pregnancy. I certainly did. However, it gave me peace and hope knowing
that I was going to be a parent one way or another. It definitely
helped me let go of some of the anger. Not all of it, but some. I am so sorry you are going through this. It really sucks. There's just
no pretty word for it! I can tell you that one day you will understand.
It took me years after our adoptions to make peace with the journey. I
still wish there was not so much heartache along the way, but it was
worth it. I would not have the children I was meant to have if things
hadn't happened exactly the way they did. As much as I have hated the journey, I would do it again a million
times over. It's easy for me to say, though. I wouldn't have wanted to
hear it, so it's okay if that just makes you want to scream!;)
It sucks. I won't lie. You will never be the same person, and you may
not like that person. That's okay too. I don't always like my
"infertile" self, but I'm okay with her too. She is far more
compassionate, patient, and understanding than the girl I was. She's
also angry and bitchy sometimes, but I try to cut her some slack!;) and I am still questioning God. He's heard many choice words, crying,
and pleading for understanding. I have no idea why I had to go through
it, but I have no doubt that one day I will. His plan is so much bigger
than we are, and he loves us through the anger, hurt, and tears. I will
never stop hoping and praying that God will send you a miracle! Try not
to beat yourself up. You are a wonderful person. God knew your name
before you were born, just as he knows the name of the baby he is going
to send to your arms.
What my friend told me has given me peace. At the end of the day sometimes that is all I need.
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