Don't Give Up

 At times I wish that my heart could understand why Stephen and I have gone through this infertility journey.  Some moments of the day i go by and my mind has forgotten what I have gone through. Then when the day slows down it all comes rushing back to me. When I see a baby my heart aches.  When I walk in the door and I am alone. When Stephen is at work I don't have anyone. *I do have my dogs but still it's not the same*  Recently we have had a lot of babies die because their parents left or put them in the car. I think those people got blessed with kids and look what they did and I can't have any.  I want to give up over and over again. All this emotional pain weighs down on my heart.  I found a college assignment in the attic of Stephens. He had to type what he thought his 1-4 year plan and 5-10 year plan would be. The first one was simple saying he wanted to be in a nursing program and married to his high school sweetheart. The second was that he wanted to be a nurse, thinking on what he could specialize in, and that he would have 2-3 kids with me. I started bawling.  Because I want so bad for that plan to be real and a part of me thinks that maybe this is it for me. That motherhood just won't happen for me. I hate that people keep asking me when we'll have kids, do we have kids, why don't we have kids, etc. The second they ask my heart seems to stop while my head tries to think of a generic answer.   It gets harder and harder. I want to give up. I don't want to count what day I am on. I don't want to pee on a stick. I don't do anymore Ultrasounds. Take anymore meds. I want to be done. I am beyond tired of being in physical pain and emotional pain. I have heard this song for a couple weeks now. At first I didn't think much of it. Then I kept hearing it over and over again. God was speaking to me. He wanted to tell me that I shouldn't give up.  I want to be strong. I really do. As of now i am still in the dark waiting for the day.  I have rocks falling on my head.  I pray that I can make it through this. That through all this all my why's will make me stronger.

This time your heart said it's had enough
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up
You don't wanna move on just playing games
Praying hard somehow that your life will change
When you feel like you don't know what to do
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through

(Chorus)
Don't give up
Help is surely on its way
And don't give up
And the dark is breaking in today
And just keep on moving through these storms
And soon enough you'll find the door
Just don't give up
Oh, and don't give up

These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
And your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you're not going anywhere
Step inside this heart and then you'll see
Such a love that is so amazing