After awhile Infertility makes you a different person. It changes who you are as a person, a friend, a wife, and much more. There is no going back to who you once was before all this started. You desperately want to but it is a task that won't every become a real. Guilt, Sadness, Anger, & Wonder are all emotions that are felt. Most at the same time and your not sure what to do with each of them. Your upset at yourself because it is your body that won't get pregnant. Your sad because out of everything you want more than a world is a baby and you can't have one. Your heart breaks. Your beyond angry about the whole situation. Your mad at yourself, the world, other people who have a baby and you can't. I was even mad at God. Your full of questions and with all questions there should be answers. The problem with infertility is that most answers are not good answers. Then all the emotions come back in a whirlwind.
I saw my new doctor this past week. He is beyond AMAZING. Made me feel very comfortable. We have a game plan about what we are going this next year. He first wants to help with my pain first and foremost. The pain is always there which makes it very difficult. How I long to just be normal again. I am going to start at home physical therapy and then am looking into going to a physical therapy. After years and years of trying it all starts to go to your head. It is like I was imagining all the pain in my head. This new doctor helped me see that. He truly wants me to be better. He said he couldn't promise me a baby or that he cant fix me. But he did say he will try his best. He went to school to be a doctor but he didn't go to God school so he couldn't promise me the baby that I dream up.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Another year..
Can you believe that it is the end of 2013? I mean where did this whole year go?! I hate that now that I am older time goes by so much quicker. I know most of this year I was running around with my head cut off busy with teaching, packing, trying to find a house to sell, not moving, back to teaching and then we are in December already. Geez it is like I did stuff but I didn't. On my last post before the family pictures I talked about a couple things that have been going on for us.
I actually did not get summer early but took a short term sub job as a preschool assistant in another classroom in the county. So I just got to love on another 20 kiddos for the remainder of the year. Once the school year ended we were full force trying to sell our house. We ended up with two contracts on the house but both fell through. The last one ended up in a total remodel of the spare bathroom. The floor under the shower was well...not there! Apparently the previous owners instead of fixing the leak they just put new wood over the wet wood and called it a day. It was a big mess! We ended up with a brand new sub-floor and tiled shower. Just no new house since our did not sell. We kept it on the market for a couple months but it was more of a hassle than anything to keep it on. Keeping a house show ready all the time is a full time job! So our new plan is to put new floors in the living room, hallway, and kitchen. We painted the man room a deeper gray and a blue. It will end up a Mustang theme.
The summer was filled with vacation as well. Went down to FL again to see our awesome friends. They had a house this time so we all got to stay there and save some money. Went to the beach, to the beach and to the beach! Oh and also the Keys which was cool! We also got roomies right before we went on vacation. We were spending so much time with C & C and they were going to leave Tn to go back home to TX at the end of the year it only made sense to help each other out! It has been a blast having them here. It has only been for a couple months but it feels like they have been here a lifetime. It will be sad to see them go back home but we have already planned a trip to see them this summer. :)
Teaching! Yes, I am still teaching. I have moved schools and grades!!! I am at SMS now and teaching first grade. I was scared to death to start first grade. I was hired four days before school started and had to get the room ready as quickly as a could. I didn't even know where to start with first grade. It has been a challenge but I am learning a lot as I go. I like teaching first more than I thought I would. This year is trial and error. I have been keeping a notebook on to what to do differently if I am at the same grade next year. It would be nice to actually be prepared for the school year for once! I do miss sweet innocent preschoolers. They were so lovey. We shall see what happens at the end of the year. Teaching has been made into something ---by government, culture, and who knows what else---different. I feel like I can't teach like I want to or the way the kids need to. I just hope that it doesn't drive good teachers away because it sure is driving the old teachers away!
Now I know the meaning of this blog is trying to have a baby and the journey we have embarked down to have one so I can't just leave that topic out. We actually have not been trying to have a baby since last December!! We haven't prevented it from happening we just haven't time sex, taken meds, or gone to the doctor at all. This past cycle we started actively trying again. I watched what day I was on. We calculated when I would ovulate and timed everything the best we could. I do not have high hopes that it will happen right off the bat. I mean it has been over 4 years as it is. Hope is slim and stretched thin. Infertility is a mean game that some of us play and in real life we all can't get a trophy for participation and go home a winner.
I actually did not get summer early but took a short term sub job as a preschool assistant in another classroom in the county. So I just got to love on another 20 kiddos for the remainder of the year. Once the school year ended we were full force trying to sell our house. We ended up with two contracts on the house but both fell through. The last one ended up in a total remodel of the spare bathroom. The floor under the shower was well...not there! Apparently the previous owners instead of fixing the leak they just put new wood over the wet wood and called it a day. It was a big mess! We ended up with a brand new sub-floor and tiled shower. Just no new house since our did not sell. We kept it on the market for a couple months but it was more of a hassle than anything to keep it on. Keeping a house show ready all the time is a full time job! So our new plan is to put new floors in the living room, hallway, and kitchen. We painted the man room a deeper gray and a blue. It will end up a Mustang theme.
The summer was filled with vacation as well. Went down to FL again to see our awesome friends. They had a house this time so we all got to stay there and save some money. Went to the beach, to the beach and to the beach! Oh and also the Keys which was cool! We also got roomies right before we went on vacation. We were spending so much time with C & C and they were going to leave Tn to go back home to TX at the end of the year it only made sense to help each other out! It has been a blast having them here. It has only been for a couple months but it feels like they have been here a lifetime. It will be sad to see them go back home but we have already planned a trip to see them this summer. :)
Teaching! Yes, I am still teaching. I have moved schools and grades!!! I am at SMS now and teaching first grade. I was scared to death to start first grade. I was hired four days before school started and had to get the room ready as quickly as a could. I didn't even know where to start with first grade. It has been a challenge but I am learning a lot as I go. I like teaching first more than I thought I would. This year is trial and error. I have been keeping a notebook on to what to do differently if I am at the same grade next year. It would be nice to actually be prepared for the school year for once! I do miss sweet innocent preschoolers. They were so lovey. We shall see what happens at the end of the year. Teaching has been made into something ---by government, culture, and who knows what else---different. I feel like I can't teach like I want to or the way the kids need to. I just hope that it doesn't drive good teachers away because it sure is driving the old teachers away!
Now I know the meaning of this blog is trying to have a baby and the journey we have embarked down to have one so I can't just leave that topic out. We actually have not been trying to have a baby since last December!! We haven't prevented it from happening we just haven't time sex, taken meds, or gone to the doctor at all. This past cycle we started actively trying again. I watched what day I was on. We calculated when I would ovulate and timed everything the best we could. I do not have high hopes that it will happen right off the bat. I mean it has been over 4 years as it is. Hope is slim and stretched thin. Infertility is a mean game that some of us play and in real life we all can't get a trophy for participation and go home a winner.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Family Photos
When I was little we used to get family photos done one or twice a year. We lived in a small town and the photo people only came to Wal-Mart certain times of the year. We were not fancy and our small town didn't have a photo place like they did in big cities. Ours would move a space in the clothing section and just take them right there. When we moved to Tennessee in 1997 we stopped the photos for some reason. My senior year when my older sister was home on leave from the war we had some made. The picture was HORRIBLE! None of matched, my sister had bleach blonde hair, a nose ring, it wasn't good to say the least. When my older sister got married we had a wedding photo made, then at family reunions we had candid ones made, when I got married we had one made, then my moms wedding, and then my twins wedding. Still it wasn't the same. So we decided for mom's birthday we would get some made that was updated.
Our dear friend Andrew Morton has done photography for years. He started back in high school and has become an amazing photographer. He did my anniversary photos for Stephen and I, my sisters engagement/wedding, and now our family portraits. They turned out amazing. In my family we are used to it being only just us girls--the five of us kids and my mom. Then we are all getting married, and my sister had two boys. We keep growing :)
I know we will cherish these pictures forever. It might be forever before we can get 12+ people together again! ha ha
2009
2012
2012
2013
I know we will cherish these pictures forever. It might be forever before we can get 12+ people together again! ha ha
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)