God and My IPod

When I was in college my best friend Rachel and I would just drive around town listening to music and talking about this that or the other. We often needed God's guidance with whatever this that or the other was concerning. So we would get out the trusty ole I pod  and ask God to speak to us through our music. (I now use Pandora as well). Between the two of us we had thousands upon thousands of songs. Varying from all sorts of genre of music. We would pray before hand or just really ask God openly to help us and then press play. Some people may think this as kinda crazy and we shouldn't take heed to what songs come up to play. BUT I have always taken to heart what always ended up playing. Not sure if it was because it always ended up what we needed to hear or if we made it fit our situation but it always worked. I heard God and what he wanted mer to know. Sometimes it would cause tears. Other times it would be a sense of calmness. Sometimes we laughed.   I still play this "game" and every time I do I truly believe that God is speaking to me. God can do anything right?! Why not pick the songs that randomly play out of the 3000 plus songs that I have?! You hear people on the radio say that they heard a song play just at the right time. That is still God speaking to them. Just in my instance I ask God to speak to me.  I like to think God is linked to whatever is going on in my life. Be it I get that stop light and miss a horrible wreck or I have to stand in line at the grocery a little longer and am able to witness to someone behind me. (I'll have to tell you how I talked to God in Wal-Mart sometime). So I truly and honestly believe that God can control my Ipod, radio, or Pandora whatever it may be and give me guidance. Sometimes we just need something that profound to be there. All this made me think of when I was getting ready a few weeks back for church. I was talking to God and myself about how I just needed him to help me get through this whole trying to conceive aka TTC process. I asked him to guide me and to take away my pain that I was feeling. I then pressed play on Pandora Christian Radio. Lo and behold "Strong Enough" was the first song played. I literally just burst into tears. I cried out to God and just let come out while the song played.  That is also when I got the idea that maybe I should write all this out for myself and for others to have hope. Even though at times my hope and belief is all but gone I still hold on--barley but a pinky finger can keep a promise for a life time why not keep a hold of hope?   A lot of songs that I hear speak to me and you will probably hear a lot about them.     Just remember that God can speak in so many different ways :)  

Don't be afraid to ask God to speak to you but also don't be afraid to open your heart up to listen.

Strong Enough

Here is the inspiration to the name of my blog--Strong Enough718.  This song has helped me a lot through the past couple years. And the 718 is the day Stephen and I got married.

 

You must You must think I'm strong To give me what I'm going through Well, forgive me Forgive me if I'm wrong But this looks like more than I can do On my own I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough  Strong enough For the both of us
Well, maybe Maybe that's the point To reach the point of giving up Cause when I'm finally Finally at rock bottom Well, that's when I start looking up And reaching out I know I'm not strong enough to be Everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough  Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough Strong enough Cause I'm broken Down to nothing But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God  and you are strong When I am weak I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be
Strong enough Strong enough I know I'm not strong enough to be Everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough  Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough Strong enough Strong enough

Every time I hear this song my heart breaks and cries out. The pain of infertility becomes so heavy. My chest hurts. My eyes fill with tears. My mind races. I have been trying so hard to understand WHY ME?? Haven't I gone through enough trials? Haven't I put in enough time? I am trying to be patient. In the beginning I was; I understood that it could take time. That everything had to happen at the exact moment. But somehow we missed every moment!!! The longer it takes. The harder everything seems to get. I am getting so angry---angry at myself, Stephen, life, the situation, and even God! I don't know how to stop the anger. The bitterness that I feel. It festers inside me until I explode. When I do I just cry out. I want to know what I did to deserve not to have a family of my own. I want to know why God thinks I should not have a baby. Even if it is not right now. Not having ANY answers it is very hard.  I keep thinking that God is punishing me. I know that I have messed up a lot in my life.  That we are all accountable for our sins. I also know that I could be a lot better Christian. So maybe God is waiting for me not be so angry at him and to trust him. To trust him means to give it ALL over to him. I want to do that so badly but I don’t know how to do that. Not with my heart, mind, and soul. If I say “I hand it over”-- and I do say it—my mind ends up tricking me and I begin to have a fight within myself. I tell myself all I do is stop ttc and just let God work it out. Then I fight within myself  thinking everything is so messed up that there is no way we will ever have  a baby on our own. Which circles back around to trusting in God?  I think “Do I believe I am going to have a baby?”  Sure. Now the fight in me adds---“Believing doesn’t mean it is going to happen.” I think FAITH also jumps in here right about now. It only takes the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain. Well crap—I’m blind and cannot see the flipping mustard seed!  (I don’t even like mustard). I keep telling myself if I had “more faith”.  How does one get more faith?? Do you know? If you could please tell me; if you could show me like the hot and cold game where this mustard seed is.  Wanting a baby has been hard. Not being able to have a child even harder.   I want to be able to give Stephen a son(s) and/or daughter(s). I can’t or am not and that breaks my heart in a whole different way. It makes me feel like he deserves someone better than messed up ole me.  I know he would argue that point. He would say “all he needs is me”. Is it bad of me to say that I want more?? Is that selfish of me? A dear friend of mine told me that God is doing this to me because he knew I could handle it. I wish I had some insight to God's plan.  Not the whole thing but SOMETHING is better than being lost. I feel like I am not handling what is being given to me. I am slowly breaking from the inside I feel like I have to put on a front in front of people. I have done it for so long that I half feel like I am in a daze.

               Anyway back to the song. God has given me several trails in my life and at the end of it all I do come out a stronger person. I ave felt not strong enough. Having to take so much time off to do the surgery and now to take the pill to get the cysts out of my system has made me hit rock bottom. I have no where else to go but up from here. I pray that God will cover me and guide me because I can't do this on my own. I need him so I can be 

Strong Enough

Dear Baby

 A month ago (April 9th) we went in to do an ultrasound to check on my eggs and make sure they would be big enough to do a IUI --Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a procedure that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization.---for our April cycle.  I was nervous going to Nashville. I had my cute little 31 lunch bag packed with my trigger shot and was ready to go in and finally get our chance.  The U/S took all of 2 seconds (okay maybe two minutes but close enough).  The ultrasound doctor immediately told me that I had 3 VERY LARGE cysts in my right ovary. She told me that I had one good egg that we still had a chance this cycle. My heart sank. We would not be getting our IUI done :(     I knew even with that one egg that this month would be out. As well as the next cycle. I wanted to just cry right there. I left all hope and faith I had for a baby in that room that day. I felt so defeated and angry. I hated myself. I hated the world. Once we sat down with my  nurse she told me that my follies had been over stimulated by the Clomid. They were 54mm, 46mm,46mm. They needed to be 18-23mm.  So without Clomid my eggs were not getting mature enough to fertilize--even if a good healthy sperm made it to the egg it would never actually fertilize and make a baby. WITH Clomid they grew too much. My body hated me it seemed. I couldn't ever win.  My nurse told me that with the one egg still a good size that we could still try with timed BD'ing and see what happens. I knew exactly what would happen--nothing!!   It felt like my whole world was crumbling and I was trying so hard to hold on to something but my fingers kept being just out of reach.   On the way home all I could do was cry  I was so heartbroken and all I wanted to do is find a cliff and just jump off it.  Stephen still had hope and faith. He still believed. I wish I had that type of faith. That type of hope.  We did what the doctor ordered and timed everything on our own. ( I would play the if only game if we didn't at least try!) April 14th--my birthday-- I started to spot which was 10 days before my expected AF. I thought I had busted a cyst even though I felt no pain.  I went in to see the doctor on Tuesday the 17th to get another ultrasound to check on everything.  I ended up having to go alone since S was working. I was terrified! I didn't know if I could handle getting bad news by myself.   Well my cycle did indeed start 10 days early. They had no idea exactly why. I also had gained another cyst! The only good egg I had ended up becoming a cyst.  Oh the joy! I didn't really feel anything. I was so numb from the week before it was just another thing. My doctor was out for the day but I was told that the following day I would start birth control pills to hopefully shrink the cysts and get them out of my system so we can move forward. They have no idea as to how long that will actually take. A month or two of pills could do the trick.   That night I sat at home and I was so depressed and upset. S was working so it was me and the pups to wallar around in my sorrows. I needed to get my pain out so I sat down and wrote my sweet unmade unborn baby a letter. Just because the baby does not exist does not mean that I don't already love it. So here is my first letter to my precious baby that I will one day hold in my arms.


                                         Canvas painting I did for my sweet friend Janel :)  

 

Dear Baby ,



It has been 23 months since Mommy and Daddy started to prepare for you. We have been waiting to meet your sweet face. Mommy and Daddy have loved each other for a very long time and have dreamed of starting a family and you in it. The doctors told us we were young and that you would come very soon. So we waited and tried. Then kept trying yet you still were not here. I had to go through several tests to see why you were not here yet. Along the way we found out mommy and daddy would have to try harder for you. Mommy had to go to the doctor to get some boo-boos taken care of. As well as take medicine to make things all better. The medicine didn’t always help but the doctor, mommy, and daddy are working hard to get you here.

Mommy has wanted you so very much. I have cried many tears wanting you to be here. No one ever told me that wanting something so badly could hurt. My sweet baby I have hurt for you. I wake up thinking about you. As I go about my day you are constantly in my thoughts. When I lay in bed at night I dream about you. I wonder if you’ll have red hair like your Dad or brown hair like me? Blue eyes or brown? Will you have freckles like we do? What will your voice be like? How will your personality be? All of these things and more constantly run through my head. We have picked out several names for you. If you are a girl your name will be Olivia Rae or Adelynn Rae—your middle name will be Rae after me. If you are a boy your name will be Lincoln Cole, Ryan Alexander or Jackson David. Oh your father and I have talked and talked about what your name should be!!! I cannot wait to hold you, to feel you against my chest, to hear you cry for the first time, and to watch you while you sleep.

Your daddy will be a good daddy. He cannot wait for you either. He already loves you more than the whole wide world. He will comfort you when you are sad and bring you great joy every day. He will love you unconditionally and always look out for you. He will teach you to fix cars, play ball, and even do some paintball. (Yes, even if you are a girl!) But he will also teach you how to be kind and caring. He will teach you to always look on the bright side of things. That no matter what if you have the people you love then that is all that you need.

You have taught me many things my little one. Trusting in God has been one of them. I have blamed myself for not having you here sooner. I know I shouldn’t and God is teaching me how to deal with that. I am trying to understand that you will come when he plans. God is showing me patience, love, and how to build my faith. For I know that he and he alone can heal the pain and hurt I have for not having you.

My sweet baby no matter how you come into our lives I want you to know that I have prayed for you every second of the day for the past two years. I will continue to pray for you all of your life. I love you more than you can ever imagine. More than the whole wide world.

-Mommy

Hello...

My name is Brittany. I am 24 years old  and the thing that I want most more than anything in the world is to start a family with my wonderful husband Stephen.  This blog is for me to share that journey --past events, present and future-- happenings of this journey.   There will be happy, so-so, and sad posts here. I will spill my heart out and try to be completely honest, more-so for myself than anything.

Stephen and I first met September of 2003. I remember the day like it was yesterday.  I had to do "time for time" because I had missed four days of school. My twin, Michelle,had one of those annoying child development babies so she was staying after school to hitch a ride so she wouldn't kill the baby on the bus. I had walked into my twin's 6th period Geometry class to see her and my best friend Paige. I stood and talked to Paige for a minute and Stephen was there talking with us. My twin then walks up to our group. Stephen proceeds to look at me- look back at Michelle-look at me--look at Michelle; then he lifts up his hands and says "There are two of you!!" I knew at that moment that I liked him.  It could have been his very handsome dimples, the amazing red/ginger hair, or the sleep crease on his forehead from sleeping all of math class I am not sure what it was but I couldn't forget him.

                                            

                                                          Our first picture together

                                                Together in Geometry class--oh that jacket

 Since I conveniently worked in the school office I found out his schedule and locker number the next day. Stalker can anyone say :D.  I also made sure I was around his classes (luckily we went to a one hallway high school) and locker so I could always sneak in a couple Hi's and how are you's. I talked to him everyday since that day. I had my best friend find out if he liked me. I wrote him notes though he only wrote back twice--once in my notebook and once in my year book. (I still have both of those notes 9 years later!!)  We did the high school dating thing for the whole school year. We only talked at school and only saw each other at school.    July 19, 2004 we went on our first date!   My mom was out of town and I was with best friend Paige's house. We each told her mom that my mom was okay with me going out with him :).   So we he picked me up in his wonderful white Mustang and we went to...Starbucks. Just sat and talked for hours!!   The following weekend we went on "mom's first date".    We stayed together until January 2005 and we broke it off.  We stayed friends after he graduated and saw each other a couple times. August 2006 we connected again :)  I was now at college and we were on the same campus everyday. Ever since then we have been together :)   July 17, 2008 he asked me to marry him on top of a waterfall :0.  I said "YES"!   July 18 2009 we said our vows in front of 150+ family and friends.  June 2010 we bought our first house and decided that we wanted to start trying for a family.   The road has been long and hard but we have held strong to each other. I love him more than the whole wide world. With out  him I would be lost and utterly alone.  He has loved me through sooo much over the years.  He has just loved me. As I know one day when we have children he will just love them for who they are.   So join me on this journey of life. I hope we both learn something from it.




       Rock Island- Where he proposed, we were standing all the small spot between the two falls!


                           
                                                     Engagement Photo

  

                                  July 18, 2009 --wedding photo by Nashville Photography Group