Dear Baby

 A month ago (April 9th) we went in to do an ultrasound to check on my eggs and make sure they would be big enough to do a IUI --Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a procedure that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization.---for our April cycle.  I was nervous going to Nashville. I had my cute little 31 lunch bag packed with my trigger shot and was ready to go in and finally get our chance.  The U/S took all of 2 seconds (okay maybe two minutes but close enough).  The ultrasound doctor immediately told me that I had 3 VERY LARGE cysts in my right ovary. She told me that I had one good egg that we still had a chance this cycle. My heart sank. We would not be getting our IUI done :(     I knew even with that one egg that this month would be out. As well as the next cycle. I wanted to just cry right there. I left all hope and faith I had for a baby in that room that day. I felt so defeated and angry. I hated myself. I hated the world. Once we sat down with my  nurse she told me that my follies had been over stimulated by the Clomid. They were 54mm, 46mm,46mm. They needed to be 18-23mm.  So without Clomid my eggs were not getting mature enough to fertilize--even if a good healthy sperm made it to the egg it would never actually fertilize and make a baby. WITH Clomid they grew too much. My body hated me it seemed. I couldn't ever win.  My nurse told me that with the one egg still a good size that we could still try with timed BD'ing and see what happens. I knew exactly what would happen--nothing!!   It felt like my whole world was crumbling and I was trying so hard to hold on to something but my fingers kept being just out of reach.   On the way home all I could do was cry  I was so heartbroken and all I wanted to do is find a cliff and just jump off it.  Stephen still had hope and faith. He still believed. I wish I had that type of faith. That type of hope.  We did what the doctor ordered and timed everything on our own. ( I would play the if only game if we didn't at least try!) April 14th--my birthday-- I started to spot which was 10 days before my expected AF. I thought I had busted a cyst even though I felt no pain.  I went in to see the doctor on Tuesday the 17th to get another ultrasound to check on everything.  I ended up having to go alone since S was working. I was terrified! I didn't know if I could handle getting bad news by myself.   Well my cycle did indeed start 10 days early. They had no idea exactly why. I also had gained another cyst! The only good egg I had ended up becoming a cyst.  Oh the joy! I didn't really feel anything. I was so numb from the week before it was just another thing. My doctor was out for the day but I was told that the following day I would start birth control pills to hopefully shrink the cysts and get them out of my system so we can move forward. They have no idea as to how long that will actually take. A month or two of pills could do the trick.   That night I sat at home and I was so depressed and upset. S was working so it was me and the pups to wallar around in my sorrows. I needed to get my pain out so I sat down and wrote my sweet unmade unborn baby a letter. Just because the baby does not exist does not mean that I don't already love it. So here is my first letter to my precious baby that I will one day hold in my arms.


                                         Canvas painting I did for my sweet friend Janel :)  

 

Dear Baby ,



It has been 23 months since Mommy and Daddy started to prepare for you. We have been waiting to meet your sweet face. Mommy and Daddy have loved each other for a very long time and have dreamed of starting a family and you in it. The doctors told us we were young and that you would come very soon. So we waited and tried. Then kept trying yet you still were not here. I had to go through several tests to see why you were not here yet. Along the way we found out mommy and daddy would have to try harder for you. Mommy had to go to the doctor to get some boo-boos taken care of. As well as take medicine to make things all better. The medicine didn’t always help but the doctor, mommy, and daddy are working hard to get you here.

Mommy has wanted you so very much. I have cried many tears wanting you to be here. No one ever told me that wanting something so badly could hurt. My sweet baby I have hurt for you. I wake up thinking about you. As I go about my day you are constantly in my thoughts. When I lay in bed at night I dream about you. I wonder if you’ll have red hair like your Dad or brown hair like me? Blue eyes or brown? Will you have freckles like we do? What will your voice be like? How will your personality be? All of these things and more constantly run through my head. We have picked out several names for you. If you are a girl your name will be Olivia Rae or Adelynn Rae—your middle name will be Rae after me. If you are a boy your name will be Lincoln Cole, Ryan Alexander or Jackson David. Oh your father and I have talked and talked about what your name should be!!! I cannot wait to hold you, to feel you against my chest, to hear you cry for the first time, and to watch you while you sleep.

Your daddy will be a good daddy. He cannot wait for you either. He already loves you more than the whole wide world. He will comfort you when you are sad and bring you great joy every day. He will love you unconditionally and always look out for you. He will teach you to fix cars, play ball, and even do some paintball. (Yes, even if you are a girl!) But he will also teach you how to be kind and caring. He will teach you to always look on the bright side of things. That no matter what if you have the people you love then that is all that you need.

You have taught me many things my little one. Trusting in God has been one of them. I have blamed myself for not having you here sooner. I know I shouldn’t and God is teaching me how to deal with that. I am trying to understand that you will come when he plans. God is showing me patience, love, and how to build my faith. For I know that he and he alone can heal the pain and hurt I have for not having you.

My sweet baby no matter how you come into our lives I want you to know that I have prayed for you every second of the day for the past two years. I will continue to pray for you all of your life. I love you more than you can ever imagine. More than the whole wide world.

-Mommy