Strong Enough

Here is the inspiration to the name of my blog--Strong Enough718.  This song has helped me a lot through the past couple years. And the 718 is the day Stephen and I got married.

 

You must You must think I'm strong To give me what I'm going through Well, forgive me Forgive me if I'm wrong But this looks like more than I can do On my own I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough  Strong enough For the both of us
Well, maybe Maybe that's the point To reach the point of giving up Cause when I'm finally Finally at rock bottom Well, that's when I start looking up And reaching out I know I'm not strong enough to be Everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough  Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough Strong enough Cause I'm broken Down to nothing But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God  and you are strong When I am weak I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be
Strong enough Strong enough I know I'm not strong enough to be Everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough  Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough Strong enough Strong enough

Every time I hear this song my heart breaks and cries out. The pain of infertility becomes so heavy. My chest hurts. My eyes fill with tears. My mind races. I have been trying so hard to understand WHY ME?? Haven't I gone through enough trials? Haven't I put in enough time? I am trying to be patient. In the beginning I was; I understood that it could take time. That everything had to happen at the exact moment. But somehow we missed every moment!!! The longer it takes. The harder everything seems to get. I am getting so angry---angry at myself, Stephen, life, the situation, and even God! I don't know how to stop the anger. The bitterness that I feel. It festers inside me until I explode. When I do I just cry out. I want to know what I did to deserve not to have a family of my own. I want to know why God thinks I should not have a baby. Even if it is not right now. Not having ANY answers it is very hard.  I keep thinking that God is punishing me. I know that I have messed up a lot in my life.  That we are all accountable for our sins. I also know that I could be a lot better Christian. So maybe God is waiting for me not be so angry at him and to trust him. To trust him means to give it ALL over to him. I want to do that so badly but I don’t know how to do that. Not with my heart, mind, and soul. If I say “I hand it over”-- and I do say it—my mind ends up tricking me and I begin to have a fight within myself. I tell myself all I do is stop ttc and just let God work it out. Then I fight within myself  thinking everything is so messed up that there is no way we will ever have  a baby on our own. Which circles back around to trusting in God?  I think “Do I believe I am going to have a baby?”  Sure. Now the fight in me adds---“Believing doesn’t mean it is going to happen.” I think FAITH also jumps in here right about now. It only takes the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain. Well crap—I’m blind and cannot see the flipping mustard seed!  (I don’t even like mustard). I keep telling myself if I had “more faith”.  How does one get more faith?? Do you know? If you could please tell me; if you could show me like the hot and cold game where this mustard seed is.  Wanting a baby has been hard. Not being able to have a child even harder.   I want to be able to give Stephen a son(s) and/or daughter(s). I can’t or am not and that breaks my heart in a whole different way. It makes me feel like he deserves someone better than messed up ole me.  I know he would argue that point. He would say “all he needs is me”. Is it bad of me to say that I want more?? Is that selfish of me? A dear friend of mine told me that God is doing this to me because he knew I could handle it. I wish I had some insight to God's plan.  Not the whole thing but SOMETHING is better than being lost. I feel like I am not handling what is being given to me. I am slowly breaking from the inside I feel like I have to put on a front in front of people. I have done it for so long that I half feel like I am in a daze.

               Anyway back to the song. God has given me several trails in my life and at the end of it all I do come out a stronger person. I ave felt not strong enough. Having to take so much time off to do the surgery and now to take the pill to get the cysts out of my system has made me hit rock bottom. I have no where else to go but up from here. I pray that God will cover me and guide me because I can't do this on my own. I need him so I can be 

Strong Enough