After awhile Infertility makes you a different person. It changes who you are as a person, a friend, a wife, and much more. There is no going back to who you once was before all this started. You desperately want to but it is a task that won't every become a real. Guilt, Sadness, Anger, & Wonder are all emotions that are felt. Most at the same time and your not sure what to do with each of them. Your upset at yourself because it is your body that won't get pregnant. Your sad because out of everything you want more than a world is a baby and you can't have one. Your heart breaks. Your beyond angry about the whole situation. Your mad at yourself, the world, other people who have a baby and you can't. I was even mad at God. Your full of questions and with all questions there should be answers. The problem with infertility is that most answers are not good answers. Then all the emotions come back in a whirlwind.
I saw my new doctor this past week. He is beyond AMAZING. Made me feel very comfortable. We have a game plan about what we are going this next year. He first wants to help with my pain first and foremost. The pain is always there which makes it very difficult. How I long to just be normal again. I am going to start at home physical therapy and then am looking into going to a physical therapy. After years and years of trying it all starts to go to your head. It is like I was imagining all the pain in my head. This new doctor helped me see that. He truly wants me to be better. He said he couldn't promise me a baby or that he cant fix me. But he did say he will try his best. He went to school to be a doctor but he didn't go to God school so he couldn't promise me the baby that I dream up.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Another year..
Can you believe that it is the end of 2013? I mean where did this whole year go?! I hate that now that I am older time goes by so much quicker. I know most of this year I was running around with my head cut off busy with teaching, packing, trying to find a house to sell, not moving, back to teaching and then we are in December already. Geez it is like I did stuff but I didn't. On my last post before the family pictures I talked about a couple things that have been going on for us.
I actually did not get summer early but took a short term sub job as a preschool assistant in another classroom in the county. So I just got to love on another 20 kiddos for the remainder of the year. Once the school year ended we were full force trying to sell our house. We ended up with two contracts on the house but both fell through. The last one ended up in a total remodel of the spare bathroom. The floor under the shower was well...not there! Apparently the previous owners instead of fixing the leak they just put new wood over the wet wood and called it a day. It was a big mess! We ended up with a brand new sub-floor and tiled shower. Just no new house since our did not sell. We kept it on the market for a couple months but it was more of a hassle than anything to keep it on. Keeping a house show ready all the time is a full time job! So our new plan is to put new floors in the living room, hallway, and kitchen. We painted the man room a deeper gray and a blue. It will end up a Mustang theme.
The summer was filled with vacation as well. Went down to FL again to see our awesome friends. They had a house this time so we all got to stay there and save some money. Went to the beach, to the beach and to the beach! Oh and also the Keys which was cool! We also got roomies right before we went on vacation. We were spending so much time with C & C and they were going to leave Tn to go back home to TX at the end of the year it only made sense to help each other out! It has been a blast having them here. It has only been for a couple months but it feels like they have been here a lifetime. It will be sad to see them go back home but we have already planned a trip to see them this summer. :)
Teaching! Yes, I am still teaching. I have moved schools and grades!!! I am at SMS now and teaching first grade. I was scared to death to start first grade. I was hired four days before school started and had to get the room ready as quickly as a could. I didn't even know where to start with first grade. It has been a challenge but I am learning a lot as I go. I like teaching first more than I thought I would. This year is trial and error. I have been keeping a notebook on to what to do differently if I am at the same grade next year. It would be nice to actually be prepared for the school year for once! I do miss sweet innocent preschoolers. They were so lovey. We shall see what happens at the end of the year. Teaching has been made into something ---by government, culture, and who knows what else---different. I feel like I can't teach like I want to or the way the kids need to. I just hope that it doesn't drive good teachers away because it sure is driving the old teachers away!
Now I know the meaning of this blog is trying to have a baby and the journey we have embarked down to have one so I can't just leave that topic out. We actually have not been trying to have a baby since last December!! We haven't prevented it from happening we just haven't time sex, taken meds, or gone to the doctor at all. This past cycle we started actively trying again. I watched what day I was on. We calculated when I would ovulate and timed everything the best we could. I do not have high hopes that it will happen right off the bat. I mean it has been over 4 years as it is. Hope is slim and stretched thin. Infertility is a mean game that some of us play and in real life we all can't get a trophy for participation and go home a winner.
I actually did not get summer early but took a short term sub job as a preschool assistant in another classroom in the county. So I just got to love on another 20 kiddos for the remainder of the year. Once the school year ended we were full force trying to sell our house. We ended up with two contracts on the house but both fell through. The last one ended up in a total remodel of the spare bathroom. The floor under the shower was well...not there! Apparently the previous owners instead of fixing the leak they just put new wood over the wet wood and called it a day. It was a big mess! We ended up with a brand new sub-floor and tiled shower. Just no new house since our did not sell. We kept it on the market for a couple months but it was more of a hassle than anything to keep it on. Keeping a house show ready all the time is a full time job! So our new plan is to put new floors in the living room, hallway, and kitchen. We painted the man room a deeper gray and a blue. It will end up a Mustang theme.
The summer was filled with vacation as well. Went down to FL again to see our awesome friends. They had a house this time so we all got to stay there and save some money. Went to the beach, to the beach and to the beach! Oh and also the Keys which was cool! We also got roomies right before we went on vacation. We were spending so much time with C & C and they were going to leave Tn to go back home to TX at the end of the year it only made sense to help each other out! It has been a blast having them here. It has only been for a couple months but it feels like they have been here a lifetime. It will be sad to see them go back home but we have already planned a trip to see them this summer. :)
Teaching! Yes, I am still teaching. I have moved schools and grades!!! I am at SMS now and teaching first grade. I was scared to death to start first grade. I was hired four days before school started and had to get the room ready as quickly as a could. I didn't even know where to start with first grade. It has been a challenge but I am learning a lot as I go. I like teaching first more than I thought I would. This year is trial and error. I have been keeping a notebook on to what to do differently if I am at the same grade next year. It would be nice to actually be prepared for the school year for once! I do miss sweet innocent preschoolers. They were so lovey. We shall see what happens at the end of the year. Teaching has been made into something ---by government, culture, and who knows what else---different. I feel like I can't teach like I want to or the way the kids need to. I just hope that it doesn't drive good teachers away because it sure is driving the old teachers away!
Now I know the meaning of this blog is trying to have a baby and the journey we have embarked down to have one so I can't just leave that topic out. We actually have not been trying to have a baby since last December!! We haven't prevented it from happening we just haven't time sex, taken meds, or gone to the doctor at all. This past cycle we started actively trying again. I watched what day I was on. We calculated when I would ovulate and timed everything the best we could. I do not have high hopes that it will happen right off the bat. I mean it has been over 4 years as it is. Hope is slim and stretched thin. Infertility is a mean game that some of us play and in real life we all can't get a trophy for participation and go home a winner.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Family Photos
When I was little we used to get family photos done one or twice a year. We lived in a small town and the photo people only came to Wal-Mart certain times of the year. We were not fancy and our small town didn't have a photo place like they did in big cities. Ours would move a space in the clothing section and just take them right there. When we moved to Tennessee in 1997 we stopped the photos for some reason. My senior year when my older sister was home on leave from the war we had some made. The picture was HORRIBLE! None of matched, my sister had bleach blonde hair, a nose ring, it wasn't good to say the least. When my older sister got married we had a wedding photo made, then at family reunions we had candid ones made, when I got married we had one made, then my moms wedding, and then my twins wedding. Still it wasn't the same. So we decided for mom's birthday we would get some made that was updated.
Our dear friend Andrew Morton has done photography for years. He started back in high school and has become an amazing photographer. He did my anniversary photos for Stephen and I, my sisters engagement/wedding, and now our family portraits. They turned out amazing. In my family we are used to it being only just us girls--the five of us kids and my mom. Then we are all getting married, and my sister had two boys. We keep growing :)
I know we will cherish these pictures forever. It might be forever before we can get 12+ people together again! ha ha
2009
2012
2012
2013
I know we will cherish these pictures forever. It might be forever before we can get 12+ people together again! ha ha
Sunday, March 31, 2013
My bad!!
MY BAD... I have been a horrible blogger!!! OMG time has flown by! I am not even sure where the time has gone since my last post in December and this one on the last day of March. These last three months have been busy. I came off Winter Break and hit the ground running with teaching. That takes up about 10-12 hours of my day then sleeping takes up about 10 hours. Which leaves me 2-4 free hours a day. (during the week). I started going to the gym so I could keep my focus on something other than teaching and not trying for a baby. I did good with going to the gym up until I got laryngitis. Which took everything out of me for 3 weeks! Who knew having no voice could make a person so tired. I am now going to start anew tomorrow when the gym opens :) Besides teaching I have been spending a lot of time with some amazing friends! They have kept me sain these last 8 months! We are all constantly together and there for each other. We don't go a day with out talking to each other and having someone right down the road that I can count on makes the world of a difference.
Back to teaching...well my time is up teaching at WLS. Since I was just a temporary teacher the position did not last all year long. My time ended before we thought but I still enjoyed my time teaching 20 wonderful kids. I will never forget this school year. I know these babies have a bright future. I am going to miss them the last 6 weeks of school. I will sub in the school system for the remainder of the year and still be apart of their graduation and end of the year events. I just get summer 6 weeks early. lol
We also have been very busy at the Thomas residence! We have been working very hard to get our house ready to sell. We have loved our second Thomas residence but it is time to move on. We knew we wouldn't be staying here forever so this will be a good change. We have had tons of memories in this house with family and friends. Both our jobs are about 45-60 minutes away now so we will be moving closer to both our jobs. We have found a wonderful house that we love and just waiting to close and we are needing to sell our place.
Now just a little bit on our ttc journey. We have not been trying at all these last three months. It actually has been really nice. No schedule or worry about what day it is. I am glad that we took a little time off and just lived. We are not sure when we will start up on the journey again but for right now husband and wife works for us!
Back to teaching...well my time is up teaching at WLS. Since I was just a temporary teacher the position did not last all year long. My time ended before we thought but I still enjoyed my time teaching 20 wonderful kids. I will never forget this school year. I know these babies have a bright future. I am going to miss them the last 6 weeks of school. I will sub in the school system for the remainder of the year and still be apart of their graduation and end of the year events. I just get summer 6 weeks early. lol
We also have been very busy at the Thomas residence! We have been working very hard to get our house ready to sell. We have loved our second Thomas residence but it is time to move on. We knew we wouldn't be staying here forever so this will be a good change. We have had tons of memories in this house with family and friends. Both our jobs are about 45-60 minutes away now so we will be moving closer to both our jobs. We have found a wonderful house that we love and just waiting to close and we are needing to sell our place.
Now just a little bit on our ttc journey. We have not been trying at all these last three months. It actually has been really nice. No schedule or worry about what day it is. I am glad that we took a little time off and just lived. We are not sure when we will start up on the journey again but for right now husband and wife works for us!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
2,000 Prenatals Later
So when you start to prepare your body for conceiving they say that for the first three months you don't count as ttc -trying to conceive- . You have to prepare your body. You cut out sugars, carbonated drinks, caffeine, alcohol, smoking, and drugs etc. AND you start taking a prenatal so your body is getting the right amount of vitamins. Diet and Exercise is important as well to keep your body healthy. SOOOO I did all of those things. I stopped drinking the occasional drink, I stopped drinking sweet tea, coffee, and cokes. I took my prenatal every day. I worked out regularly. I ate very healthy. For the first year and half I was gun-ho on doing the right things. I was strict with everything. Then I would slack off and added back caffeine and coffee. I figured people get pregnant drunk all the time why can't I drink a Dr. Pepper. I do not work out any longer. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do all my teaching stuff done AND make it to the gym with out taking an hour or so of my sleeping time.What I think about has changed, nothing is the same.
I had some conversation with a friend of mine and she gave me some sound advice that I would like to share:
First of all, infertility never goes away completely. I wish with all my heart that I had a better answer than that, but truthfully, it changes who you are. There will probably always be a level of hurt that stays with you. The good news is that over time, it becomes bearable. There are little things that bring it to the forefront at times, but I have found that it doesn't last, and it is easier to feel normal again. However, I like to say that while adoption is a cure for a broken heart, it is NOT a cure for infertility. In the back of my mind, I never gave up hope that I would get pregnant. I know that it probably seems hard to believe. I believed God would give me a child. He heard a lot about my anger, often, and I think that is okay! Being angry is completely normal, and we know that even Jesus felt anger at times. I guess my point is, there is always hope, even when the door seems to close. Just because you decide not to pursue more treatment or move on to adoption, it does not mean that miracles can't happen. I still have some anger over not having a "choice" in how many children I have or how they came to me! There are still occasionally things that make my heart hurt or make me sad. The one thing I have learned is that it is SO normal!!! All women who have experienced infertility have the exact same emotions. t is okay to be angry, as long as you hold on to your faith in God. Truly, anything is possible with him. I feel like I should have a gold medal in patience by now, but it has not been easy. Years of struggling have come at a cost. I will never be the same person I was before infertility. However, there are so many, many gifts I have from such a difficult journey. In my own life, I can now see that his plan was so much better than my own.
I hope something I have said will make a little sense. Most of all, I want you to know that it is okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and any other emotion you feel. As long as God knows that you love him, he will love you through the hurt too.
I will be praying for God to lead you in the right path and help you to heal your heart. No matter where the journey leads, I believe you will be a great mom! God placed this desire on your heart, so I know he has big plans. He has managed to use my worst pain for some amazing things, and I know he will do the same for you. I wish I had some perfect words of wisdom, but God will heal your heart. If he leads you to adoption, you will know, and he will find a way to make it happen. If you are meant to be pregnant, God will make it happen regardless of your egg quality, endometriosis, or anything else that can be thrown your way. The verse that has always kept me going is Matthew 21:22
"And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."
That verse has kept me going all these years, and I still wear it around my neck every day. Hold on to your faith, even when your heart is saying give up. I promise, one day, it's all gonna be okay. I think maintaining friendships through infertility is one of the hardest things. People are so insensitive, and the only people who truly understand are those who have lived it. I have lost many friends along the way. Some friendships have found their way back, but it is so, so hard. I have heard all of that same advice, and if it makes you feel better...I couldn't even repeat the things that have gone through my head in response!!!
I think everyone who has gone through infertility wonders if they are being punished. I know I did. But I will say with 100% positivity that you are not!!! God doesn't work that way. No matter how angry or far you feel from God, he is right there with you. I don't think God gave us infertility. This fallen world did. I do think he can use it to fulfill his ultimate will for us. You are holding onto faith as long as you still believe that God can send you a miracle. It doesn't matter how angry and hurt you are...if you can still manage to find hope in him, that is faith. If you still long for that red headed Mexican baby, THAT is faith! You will be okay, no matter where he leads you. If you pursue adoption, you will be fine. The majority of adoptive parents have the same issues relating to infertility, which makes us all a little crazy! It also makes us fighters! I think God chooses the strongest, most loving hearts to adopt. Just remember that if you do decide to adopt, it doesn't close the door on getting pregnant. It's okay to still hope for a pregnancy. I certainly did. However, it gave me peace and hope knowing that I was going to be a parent one way or another. It definitely helped me let go of some of the anger. Not all of it, but some. I am so sorry you are going through this. It really sucks. There's just no pretty word for it! I can tell you that one day you will understand. It took me years after our adoptions to make peace with the journey. I still wish there was not so much heartache along the way, but it was worth it. I would not have the children I was meant to have if things hadn't happened exactly the way they did. As much as I have hated the journey, I would do it again a million times over. It's easy for me to say, though. I wouldn't have wanted to hear it, so it's okay if that just makes you want to scream!;)
It sucks. I won't lie. You will never be the same person, and you may not like that person. That's okay too. I don't always like my "infertile" self, but I'm okay with her too. She is far more compassionate, patient, and understanding than the girl I was. She's also angry and bitchy sometimes, but I try to cut her some slack!;) and I am still questioning God. He's heard many choice words, crying, and pleading for understanding. I have no idea why I had to go through it, but I have no doubt that one day I will. His plan is so much bigger than we are, and he loves us through the anger, hurt, and tears. I will never stop hoping and praying that God will send you a miracle! Try not to beat yourself up. You are a wonderful person. God knew your name before you were born, just as he knows the name of the baby he is going to send to your arms.
What my friend told me has given me peace. At the end of the day sometimes that is all I need.
I had some conversation with a friend of mine and she gave me some sound advice that I would like to share:
First of all, infertility never goes away completely. I wish with all my heart that I had a better answer than that, but truthfully, it changes who you are. There will probably always be a level of hurt that stays with you. The good news is that over time, it becomes bearable. There are little things that bring it to the forefront at times, but I have found that it doesn't last, and it is easier to feel normal again. However, I like to say that while adoption is a cure for a broken heart, it is NOT a cure for infertility. In the back of my mind, I never gave up hope that I would get pregnant. I know that it probably seems hard to believe. I believed God would give me a child. He heard a lot about my anger, often, and I think that is okay! Being angry is completely normal, and we know that even Jesus felt anger at times. I guess my point is, there is always hope, even when the door seems to close. Just because you decide not to pursue more treatment or move on to adoption, it does not mean that miracles can't happen. I still have some anger over not having a "choice" in how many children I have or how they came to me! There are still occasionally things that make my heart hurt or make me sad. The one thing I have learned is that it is SO normal!!! All women who have experienced infertility have the exact same emotions. t is okay to be angry, as long as you hold on to your faith in God. Truly, anything is possible with him. I feel like I should have a gold medal in patience by now, but it has not been easy. Years of struggling have come at a cost. I will never be the same person I was before infertility. However, there are so many, many gifts I have from such a difficult journey. In my own life, I can now see that his plan was so much better than my own.
I hope something I have said will make a little sense. Most of all, I want you to know that it is okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and any other emotion you feel. As long as God knows that you love him, he will love you through the hurt too.
I will be praying for God to lead you in the right path and help you to heal your heart. No matter where the journey leads, I believe you will be a great mom! God placed this desire on your heart, so I know he has big plans. He has managed to use my worst pain for some amazing things, and I know he will do the same for you. I wish I had some perfect words of wisdom, but God will heal your heart. If he leads you to adoption, you will know, and he will find a way to make it happen. If you are meant to be pregnant, God will make it happen regardless of your egg quality, endometriosis, or anything else that can be thrown your way. The verse that has always kept me going is Matthew 21:22
"And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."
That verse has kept me going all these years, and I still wear it around my neck every day. Hold on to your faith, even when your heart is saying give up. I promise, one day, it's all gonna be okay. I think maintaining friendships through infertility is one of the hardest things. People are so insensitive, and the only people who truly understand are those who have lived it. I have lost many friends along the way. Some friendships have found their way back, but it is so, so hard. I have heard all of that same advice, and if it makes you feel better...I couldn't even repeat the things that have gone through my head in response!!!
I think everyone who has gone through infertility wonders if they are being punished. I know I did. But I will say with 100% positivity that you are not!!! God doesn't work that way. No matter how angry or far you feel from God, he is right there with you. I don't think God gave us infertility. This fallen world did. I do think he can use it to fulfill his ultimate will for us. You are holding onto faith as long as you still believe that God can send you a miracle. It doesn't matter how angry and hurt you are...if you can still manage to find hope in him, that is faith. If you still long for that red headed Mexican baby, THAT is faith! You will be okay, no matter where he leads you. If you pursue adoption, you will be fine. The majority of adoptive parents have the same issues relating to infertility, which makes us all a little crazy! It also makes us fighters! I think God chooses the strongest, most loving hearts to adopt. Just remember that if you do decide to adopt, it doesn't close the door on getting pregnant. It's okay to still hope for a pregnancy. I certainly did. However, it gave me peace and hope knowing that I was going to be a parent one way or another. It definitely helped me let go of some of the anger. Not all of it, but some. I am so sorry you are going through this. It really sucks. There's just no pretty word for it! I can tell you that one day you will understand. It took me years after our adoptions to make peace with the journey. I still wish there was not so much heartache along the way, but it was worth it. I would not have the children I was meant to have if things hadn't happened exactly the way they did. As much as I have hated the journey, I would do it again a million times over. It's easy for me to say, though. I wouldn't have wanted to hear it, so it's okay if that just makes you want to scream!;)
It sucks. I won't lie. You will never be the same person, and you may not like that person. That's okay too. I don't always like my "infertile" self, but I'm okay with her too. She is far more compassionate, patient, and understanding than the girl I was. She's also angry and bitchy sometimes, but I try to cut her some slack!;) and I am still questioning God. He's heard many choice words, crying, and pleading for understanding. I have no idea why I had to go through it, but I have no doubt that one day I will. His plan is so much bigger than we are, and he loves us through the anger, hurt, and tears. I will never stop hoping and praying that God will send you a miracle! Try not to beat yourself up. You are a wonderful person. God knew your name before you were born, just as he knows the name of the baby he is going to send to your arms.
What my friend told me has given me peace. At the end of the day sometimes that is all I need.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Don't Give Up
This time your heart said it's had enough
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up
You don't wanna move on just playing games
Praying hard somehow that your life will change
When you feel like you don't know what to do
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through
(Chorus)
Don't give up
Help is surely on its way
And don't give up
And the dark is breaking in today
And just keep on moving through these storms
And soon enough you'll find the door
Just don't give up
Oh, and don't give up
These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
And your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you're not going anywhere
Step inside this heart and then you'll see
Such a love that is so amazing
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up
You don't wanna move on just playing games
Praying hard somehow that your life will change
When you feel like you don't know what to do
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through
(Chorus)
Don't give up
Help is surely on its way
And don't give up
And the dark is breaking in today
And just keep on moving through these storms
And soon enough you'll find the door
Just don't give up
Oh, and don't give up
These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
And your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you're not going anywhere
Step inside this heart and then you'll see
Such a love that is so amazing
Friday, August 3, 2012
Friends Last a Lifetime!
Friends. Some last a week when you go to camp. Some last a couple years when your in elementary school. Some the friendship ends at the end of their high school career. College comes and goes and you make new friends and some of those leave you as fast as they came (like each semester!) THEN...there are friends that stay for a lifetime! When I was in Kindergarten I met this girl named Taylor. She was my best friend from day one! We played on the playground together everyday. She was there when my first boyfriend Cameron Phillips broke up with me even after he gave me Lisa Frank stationary! We sang Time McGraw and Shania Twain while swinging on the swing-sets! We made bracelets on the playground and got in trouble for selling them! I moved in 1997 and leaving my best friend was hard. When your 8 you really do think it is the end of the world! We wrote letters and saw each other every summer when I visited my grandma. Thank God for Facebook! Then there is Nicole! We met at church :) Our parents became friends so we always go to hang out. She was the cool redhead that we got to do silly things with! Her dad taught us how to play poker with pennies. We went swimming in her pool in the backyard. Her home was like a second home for me :) She was the only friend who came to visit us in Nashville--okay her parents drove but still-- These two girls are the best girls to have in your life. We always know how to have fun and pick up where we always leave off. We have grown up together. We have seen each other go through every phase of life. And as life keeps moving forward we keep staying together! We also jump off cliffs by a waterfall. Wherever our friendship leads us!
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