2,000 Prenatals Later

So when you start to prepare your body for conceiving they say that for the first three months you don't count as ttc -trying to conceive- . You have to prepare your body.  You cut out sugars, carbonated drinks, caffeine, alcohol, smoking, and drugs etc.  AND you start taking a prenatal so your body is getting the right amount of vitamins.  Diet and Exercise is important as well to keep your body healthy.  SOOOO I did all of those things. I stopped drinking the occasional drink, I stopped drinking sweet tea, coffee, and cokes. I took my prenatal every day.  I worked out regularly. I ate very healthy. For the first year and half I was gun-ho on doing the right things.  I was strict with everything. Then I would slack off and added back caffeine and coffee.  I figured people get pregnant drunk all the time why can't I drink a Dr. Pepper.  I do not work out any longer. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do all my teaching stuff done AND make it to the gym with out taking an hour or so of my sleeping time.What I think about has changed, nothing is the same.

I had some conversation with a friend of mine and she gave me some sound advice that I would like to share:
             First of all, infertility never goes away completely.  I wish with all my heart that I had a better answer than that, but truthfully, it changes who you are.  There will probably always be a level of hurt that stays with you.  The good news is that over time, it becomes bearable.  There are little things that bring it to the forefront at times, but I have found that it doesn't last, and it is easier to feel normal again. However, I like to say that while adoption is a cure for a broken heart, it is NOT a cure for infertility. In the back of my mind, I never gave up hope that I would get pregnant.  I know that it probably seems hard to believe.  I believed God would give me a child. He heard a lot about my anger, often, and I think that is okay!  Being angry is completely normal, and we know that even Jesus felt anger at times.  I guess my point is, there is always hope, even when the door seems to close.  Just because you decide not to pursue more treatment or move on to adoption, it does not mean that miracles can't happen. I still have some anger over not having a "choice" in how many children I have or how they came to me!  There are still occasionally things that make my heart hurt or make me sad.  The one thing I have learned is that it is SO normal!!!  All women who have experienced infertility have the exact same emotions.  t is okay to be angry, as long as you hold on to your faith in God.  Truly, anything is possible with him.  I feel like I should have a gold medal in patience by now, but it has not been easy.  Years of struggling have come at a cost.  I will never be the same person I was before infertility.  However, there are so many, many gifts I have from such a difficult journey.  In my own life, I can now see that his plan was so much better than my own.
I hope something I have said will make a little sense.  Most of all, I want you to know that it is okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and any other emotion you feel.  As long as God knows that you love him, he will love you through the hurt too.
I will be praying for God to lead you in the right path and help you to heal your heart.  No matter where the journey leads, I believe you will be a great mom!  God placed this desire on your heart, so I know he has big plans.  He has managed to use my worst pain for some amazing things, and I know he will do the same for you.  I wish I had some perfect words of wisdom, but God will heal your heart.  If he leads you to adoption, you will know, and he will find a way to make it happen.  If you are meant to be pregnant, God will make it happen regardless of your egg quality, endometriosis, or anything else that can be thrown your way.  The verse that has always kept me going is Matthew 21:22
"And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."
That verse has kept me going all these years, and I still wear it around my neck every day.  Hold on to your faith, even when your heart is saying give up.  I promise, one day, it's all gonna be okay. I think maintaining friendships through infertility is one of the hardest things. People are so insensitive, and the only people who truly understand are those who have lived it. I have lost many friends along the way. Some friendships have found their way back, but it is so, so hard. I have heard all of that same advice, and if it makes you feel better...I couldn't even repeat the things that have gone through my head in response!!!
I think everyone who has gone through infertility wonders if they are being punished. I know I did. But I will say with 100% positivity that you are not!!! God doesn't work that way. No matter how angry or far you feel from God, he is right there with you. I don't think God gave us infertility. This fallen world did. I do think he can use it to fulfill his ultimate will for us. You are holding onto faith as long as you still believe that God can send you a miracle. It doesn't matter how angry and hurt you are...if you can still manage to find hope in him, that is faith. If you still long for that red headed Mexican baby, THAT is faith! You will be okay, no matter where he leads you. If you pursue adoption, you will be fine. The majority of adoptive parents have the same issues relating to infertility, which makes us all a little crazy! It also makes us fighters! I think God chooses the strongest, most loving hearts to adopt.  Just remember that if you do decide to adopt, it doesn't close the door on getting pregnant. It's okay to still hope for a pregnancy. I certainly did. However, it gave me peace and hope knowing that I was going to be a parent one way or another.  It definitely helped me let go of some of the anger. Not all of it, but some.   I am so sorry you are going through this. It really sucks. There's just no pretty word for it! I can tell you that one day you will understand. It took me years after our adoptions to make peace with the journey. I still wish there was not so much heartache along the way, but it was worth it. I would not have the children I was meant to have if things hadn't happened exactly the way they did. As much as I have hated the journey, I would do it again a million times over.  It's easy for me to say, though. I wouldn't have wanted to hear it, so it's okay if that just makes you want to scream!;)
It sucks. I won't lie. You will never be the same person, and you may not like that person. That's okay too. I don't always like my "infertile" self, but I'm okay with her too. She is far more compassionate, patient, and understanding than the girl I was. She's also angry and bitchy sometimes, but I try to cut her some slack!;)  and I am still questioning God. He's heard many choice words, crying, and pleading for understanding. I have no idea why I had to go through it, but I have no doubt that one day I will. His plan is so much bigger than we are, and he loves us through the anger, hurt, and tears. I will never stop hoping and praying that God will send you a miracle! Try not to beat yourself up. You are a wonderful person. God knew your name before you were born, just as he knows the name of the baby he is going to send to your arms.  

What my friend told me has given me peace. At the end of the day sometimes that is all I need.

Don't Give Up

 At times I wish that my heart could understand why Stephen and I have gone through this infertility journey.  Some moments of the day i go by and my mind has forgotten what I have gone through. Then when the day slows down it all comes rushing back to me. When I see a baby my heart aches.  When I walk in the door and I am alone. When Stephen is at work I don't have anyone. *I do have my dogs but still it's not the same*  Recently we have had a lot of babies die because their parents left or put them in the car. I think those people got blessed with kids and look what they did and I can't have any.  I want to give up over and over again. All this emotional pain weighs down on my heart.  I found a college assignment in the attic of Stephens. He had to type what he thought his 1-4 year plan and 5-10 year plan would be. The first one was simple saying he wanted to be in a nursing program and married to his high school sweetheart. The second was that he wanted to be a nurse, thinking on what he could specialize in, and that he would have 2-3 kids with me. I started bawling.  Because I want so bad for that plan to be real and a part of me thinks that maybe this is it for me. That motherhood just won't happen for me. I hate that people keep asking me when we'll have kids, do we have kids, why don't we have kids, etc. The second they ask my heart seems to stop while my head tries to think of a generic answer.   It gets harder and harder. I want to give up. I don't want to count what day I am on. I don't want to pee on a stick. I don't do anymore Ultrasounds. Take anymore meds. I want to be done. I am beyond tired of being in physical pain and emotional pain. I have heard this song for a couple weeks now. At first I didn't think much of it. Then I kept hearing it over and over again. God was speaking to me. He wanted to tell me that I shouldn't give up.  I want to be strong. I really do. As of now i am still in the dark waiting for the day.  I have rocks falling on my head.  I pray that I can make it through this. That through all this all my why's will make me stronger.

This time your heart said it's had enough
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up
You don't wanna move on just playing games
Praying hard somehow that your life will change
When you feel like you don't know what to do
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through

(Chorus)
Don't give up
Help is surely on its way
And don't give up
And the dark is breaking in today
And just keep on moving through these storms
And soon enough you'll find the door
Just don't give up
Oh, and don't give up

These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
And your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you're not going anywhere
Step inside this heart and then you'll see
Such a love that is so amazing

 

Friends Last a Lifetime!

Friends. Some last a week when you go to camp. Some last a couple years when your in elementary school. Some the friendship ends at the end of their high school career. College comes and goes and you make new friends and some of those leave you as fast as they came (like each semester!) THEN...there are friends that stay for a lifetime!  When I was in Kindergarten I met this girl named Taylor. She was my best friend from day one! We played on the playground together everyday. She was there when my first boyfriend Cameron Phillips broke up with me even after he gave me Lisa Frank stationary! We sang Time McGraw and  Shania Twain while swinging on the swing-sets! We made bracelets on the playground and got in trouble for selling them!  I moved in 1997 and leaving my best friend was hard. When your 8 you really do think it is the end of the world! We wrote letters and saw each other every summer when I visited my grandma. Thank God for Facebook! Then there is Nicole!  We met at church :)  Our parents became friends so we always go to hang out. She was the cool redhead that we got to do silly things with! Her dad taught us how to play poker with pennies. We went swimming in her pool in the backyard. Her home was like a second home for me :)   She was the only friend who came to visit us in Nashville--okay her parents drove but still--   These two girls are the best girls to have in your life. We always know how to have fun and pick up where we always leave off. We have grown up together. We have seen each other go through every phase of life. And as life keeps moving forward we keep staying together! We also jump off cliffs by a waterfall. Wherever our friendship leads us!

3 Years and a Lifetime to Go

            Wednesday July 18th will be our third wedding anniversary.  I can't believe that it has already been three years. I am not sure where I thought we would be at this time in our lives but either way I am happy about where we are.   We have a wonderful house, wonderful friends that are near and far (you know who are are far away friends!), awesome four legged kiddos, and a wonderful family.    We have been together (grown up together I call it --not counting the two years in high school --lol) since July 2006 so it also is our 6 year anniversary for being together.   We decided that we were going to a restaurant in Rock Island since that is where we got engaged. We took pictures in front of the water fall then had dinner. Even got Sonic for dessert.

  Once we got home Stephen had a little surprise waiting for me!! It was sooo sweet.   When we got home a noticed candles lite through the window and immediately thought that he had left them on for four hours. Then once I got inside I opened the kitchen door to down stairs and there we rose petals on the floor.  It lead to a table that was set up with Chocolate covered strawberries, chilled wine, candles, three roses, and a really sweet note for me. As I read my note Stephen got music ready and we danced to music in candle light.

It was a great Anniversary!

Waiting on that 13x11

On June 8th I FINALLY I went in for an update Ultra sound!  I was wanting a U/S more than anything! For the two weeks before my appointment I felt like my back was breaking from the pain I was feeling. I took ALL pain medications that I could think of. The only thing that helped was a heating pad and laying down. I even had to take a pill from when I had surgery so I could get some relief.  It was literally driving me crazy. There were times that I couldn't control my emotions because I was blinded by the pain... THANK THE LORD Stephen is a wonderful, understanding and loving husband because I was pretty close to insane! All I wanted were answers and the doctor wouldn't let me come in till day 3...even though I hadn't gotten to day 1. I kept thinking that as long as my cysts were gone then all this pain had been worth it. I went to the doctor that Friday...I had to go alone since Stephen had to work. I HATE going alone. Last time I had to sit in the parking garage alone and cry me eyes out and then calm down enough to drive in Nashville. I was brought right back since I was only there for a U/S. As I sit in the room ..where you ALWAYS feel uncomfortable..I prayed over and over again. "Please Lord let me be healed from my cysts".  During my ultrasound I kept praying it in my head. The tech wasn't saying ANYTHING!!! Which made me nervous, She was taking her time and still not saying ANYTHING! Then finally told me that I had just one small cyst left in my right ovary! I had released the three other cysts and they were now gone. I finally could breathe and the bricks were lifted off my chest or should I say ovaries lol.  She told me that the one left was small and only 13mmx11mm! That it was starting to collapse and it should do it on its own. My doctor wanted to start me back on Clomid--only 50mg for 5 days instead of the 100mg for 5 days. I was not ready for all of that. I have been going and going since January. I know I need to be aggressive due to my egg problem. I was ready for a break emotionally and physically. I told the doctor that I didn't want to take any more birth control or Clomid and I wanted June and possibly July off. I wanted to remember what it felt like to just be a married couple. A normal couple who has been married for 3 years and enjoy each others company. Instead of worry and heartache--like we have felt for the past two years. And so we are waiting... waiting on that 13x11 and enjoying each others company and having stress free fun together!

Writing

Writing has always been something that I have done. I think I began my first journal at 13 years old. My childhood friend Kayla gave me this rainbow colored journal to write in.  We had just moved and were not completely excited about it. All my friends were light years away--okay more like just 45 minutes and in the county directly beside the one we moved from--but it was a looonngg road. I wrote and wrote in that journal. The following year I got a blue fluffy one, the year after a rainbow colored one. The year after a brown leather one, then a navy blue, and a black one. Now luckily I can just type online and save all that paper and ink. Stephen and I actually wrote in a journal back and forth for a couple years. We didn't get to see each other or talk to each other as much as we would have liked so we wrote to each other in a journal and gave it back and forth. Writing helps the soul. It is a window into my heart when at the end of the day I can't hold in whatever is going on I can write it all out and know that God at the end of the day can hear my thoughts and read my words. At the end of every day he hears my cry and he wipes my tears that fall. No matter what is going on it helps to know that I can always write out how I feel.

God and My IPod

When I was in college my best friend Rachel and I would just drive around town listening to music and talking about this that or the other. We often needed God's guidance with whatever this that or the other was concerning. So we would get out the trusty ole I pod  and ask God to speak to us through our music. (I now use Pandora as well). Between the two of us we had thousands upon thousands of songs. Varying from all sorts of genre of music. We would pray before hand or just really ask God openly to help us and then press play. Some people may think this as kinda crazy and we shouldn't take heed to what songs come up to play. BUT I have always taken to heart what always ended up playing. Not sure if it was because it always ended up what we needed to hear or if we made it fit our situation but it always worked. I heard God and what he wanted mer to know. Sometimes it would cause tears. Other times it would be a sense of calmness. Sometimes we laughed.   I still play this "game" and every time I do I truly believe that God is speaking to me. God can do anything right?! Why not pick the songs that randomly play out of the 3000 plus songs that I have?! You hear people on the radio say that they heard a song play just at the right time. That is still God speaking to them. Just in my instance I ask God to speak to me.  I like to think God is linked to whatever is going on in my life. Be it I get that stop light and miss a horrible wreck or I have to stand in line at the grocery a little longer and am able to witness to someone behind me. (I'll have to tell you how I talked to God in Wal-Mart sometime). So I truly and honestly believe that God can control my Ipod, radio, or Pandora whatever it may be and give me guidance. Sometimes we just need something that profound to be there. All this made me think of when I was getting ready a few weeks back for church. I was talking to God and myself about how I just needed him to help me get through this whole trying to conceive aka TTC process. I asked him to guide me and to take away my pain that I was feeling. I then pressed play on Pandora Christian Radio. Lo and behold "Strong Enough" was the first song played. I literally just burst into tears. I cried out to God and just let come out while the song played.  That is also when I got the idea that maybe I should write all this out for myself and for others to have hope. Even though at times my hope and belief is all but gone I still hold on--barley but a pinky finger can keep a promise for a life time why not keep a hold of hope?   A lot of songs that I hear speak to me and you will probably hear a lot about them.     Just remember that God can speak in so many different ways :)  

Don't be afraid to ask God to speak to you but also don't be afraid to open your heart up to listen.

Strong Enough

Here is the inspiration to the name of my blog--Strong Enough718.  This song has helped me a lot through the past couple years. And the 718 is the day Stephen and I got married.

 

You must You must think I'm strong To give me what I'm going through Well, forgive me Forgive me if I'm wrong But this looks like more than I can do On my own I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough  Strong enough For the both of us
Well, maybe Maybe that's the point To reach the point of giving up Cause when I'm finally Finally at rock bottom Well, that's when I start looking up And reaching out I know I'm not strong enough to be Everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough  Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough Strong enough Cause I'm broken Down to nothing But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God  and you are strong When I am weak I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be
Strong enough Strong enough I know I'm not strong enough to be Everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough  Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough Strong enough Strong enough

Every time I hear this song my heart breaks and cries out. The pain of infertility becomes so heavy. My chest hurts. My eyes fill with tears. My mind races. I have been trying so hard to understand WHY ME?? Haven't I gone through enough trials? Haven't I put in enough time? I am trying to be patient. In the beginning I was; I understood that it could take time. That everything had to happen at the exact moment. But somehow we missed every moment!!! The longer it takes. The harder everything seems to get. I am getting so angry---angry at myself, Stephen, life, the situation, and even God! I don't know how to stop the anger. The bitterness that I feel. It festers inside me until I explode. When I do I just cry out. I want to know what I did to deserve not to have a family of my own. I want to know why God thinks I should not have a baby. Even if it is not right now. Not having ANY answers it is very hard.  I keep thinking that God is punishing me. I know that I have messed up a lot in my life.  That we are all accountable for our sins. I also know that I could be a lot better Christian. So maybe God is waiting for me not be so angry at him and to trust him. To trust him means to give it ALL over to him. I want to do that so badly but I don’t know how to do that. Not with my heart, mind, and soul. If I say “I hand it over”-- and I do say it—my mind ends up tricking me and I begin to have a fight within myself. I tell myself all I do is stop ttc and just let God work it out. Then I fight within myself  thinking everything is so messed up that there is no way we will ever have  a baby on our own. Which circles back around to trusting in God?  I think “Do I believe I am going to have a baby?”  Sure. Now the fight in me adds---“Believing doesn’t mean it is going to happen.” I think FAITH also jumps in here right about now. It only takes the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain. Well crap—I’m blind and cannot see the flipping mustard seed!  (I don’t even like mustard). I keep telling myself if I had “more faith”.  How does one get more faith?? Do you know? If you could please tell me; if you could show me like the hot and cold game where this mustard seed is.  Wanting a baby has been hard. Not being able to have a child even harder.   I want to be able to give Stephen a son(s) and/or daughter(s). I can’t or am not and that breaks my heart in a whole different way. It makes me feel like he deserves someone better than messed up ole me.  I know he would argue that point. He would say “all he needs is me”. Is it bad of me to say that I want more?? Is that selfish of me? A dear friend of mine told me that God is doing this to me because he knew I could handle it. I wish I had some insight to God's plan.  Not the whole thing but SOMETHING is better than being lost. I feel like I am not handling what is being given to me. I am slowly breaking from the inside I feel like I have to put on a front in front of people. I have done it for so long that I half feel like I am in a daze.

               Anyway back to the song. God has given me several trails in my life and at the end of it all I do come out a stronger person. I ave felt not strong enough. Having to take so much time off to do the surgery and now to take the pill to get the cysts out of my system has made me hit rock bottom. I have no where else to go but up from here. I pray that God will cover me and guide me because I can't do this on my own. I need him so I can be 

Strong Enough

Dear Baby

 A month ago (April 9th) we went in to do an ultrasound to check on my eggs and make sure they would be big enough to do a IUI --Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a procedure that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization.---for our April cycle.  I was nervous going to Nashville. I had my cute little 31 lunch bag packed with my trigger shot and was ready to go in and finally get our chance.  The U/S took all of 2 seconds (okay maybe two minutes but close enough).  The ultrasound doctor immediately told me that I had 3 VERY LARGE cysts in my right ovary. She told me that I had one good egg that we still had a chance this cycle. My heart sank. We would not be getting our IUI done :(     I knew even with that one egg that this month would be out. As well as the next cycle. I wanted to just cry right there. I left all hope and faith I had for a baby in that room that day. I felt so defeated and angry. I hated myself. I hated the world. Once we sat down with my  nurse she told me that my follies had been over stimulated by the Clomid. They were 54mm, 46mm,46mm. They needed to be 18-23mm.  So without Clomid my eggs were not getting mature enough to fertilize--even if a good healthy sperm made it to the egg it would never actually fertilize and make a baby. WITH Clomid they grew too much. My body hated me it seemed. I couldn't ever win.  My nurse told me that with the one egg still a good size that we could still try with timed BD'ing and see what happens. I knew exactly what would happen--nothing!!   It felt like my whole world was crumbling and I was trying so hard to hold on to something but my fingers kept being just out of reach.   On the way home all I could do was cry  I was so heartbroken and all I wanted to do is find a cliff and just jump off it.  Stephen still had hope and faith. He still believed. I wish I had that type of faith. That type of hope.  We did what the doctor ordered and timed everything on our own. ( I would play the if only game if we didn't at least try!) April 14th--my birthday-- I started to spot which was 10 days before my expected AF. I thought I had busted a cyst even though I felt no pain.  I went in to see the doctor on Tuesday the 17th to get another ultrasound to check on everything.  I ended up having to go alone since S was working. I was terrified! I didn't know if I could handle getting bad news by myself.   Well my cycle did indeed start 10 days early. They had no idea exactly why. I also had gained another cyst! The only good egg I had ended up becoming a cyst.  Oh the joy! I didn't really feel anything. I was so numb from the week before it was just another thing. My doctor was out for the day but I was told that the following day I would start birth control pills to hopefully shrink the cysts and get them out of my system so we can move forward. They have no idea as to how long that will actually take. A month or two of pills could do the trick.   That night I sat at home and I was so depressed and upset. S was working so it was me and the pups to wallar around in my sorrows. I needed to get my pain out so I sat down and wrote my sweet unmade unborn baby a letter. Just because the baby does not exist does not mean that I don't already love it. So here is my first letter to my precious baby that I will one day hold in my arms.


                                         Canvas painting I did for my sweet friend Janel :)  

 

Dear Baby ,



It has been 23 months since Mommy and Daddy started to prepare for you. We have been waiting to meet your sweet face. Mommy and Daddy have loved each other for a very long time and have dreamed of starting a family and you in it. The doctors told us we were young and that you would come very soon. So we waited and tried. Then kept trying yet you still were not here. I had to go through several tests to see why you were not here yet. Along the way we found out mommy and daddy would have to try harder for you. Mommy had to go to the doctor to get some boo-boos taken care of. As well as take medicine to make things all better. The medicine didn’t always help but the doctor, mommy, and daddy are working hard to get you here.

Mommy has wanted you so very much. I have cried many tears wanting you to be here. No one ever told me that wanting something so badly could hurt. My sweet baby I have hurt for you. I wake up thinking about you. As I go about my day you are constantly in my thoughts. When I lay in bed at night I dream about you. I wonder if you’ll have red hair like your Dad or brown hair like me? Blue eyes or brown? Will you have freckles like we do? What will your voice be like? How will your personality be? All of these things and more constantly run through my head. We have picked out several names for you. If you are a girl your name will be Olivia Rae or Adelynn Rae—your middle name will be Rae after me. If you are a boy your name will be Lincoln Cole, Ryan Alexander or Jackson David. Oh your father and I have talked and talked about what your name should be!!! I cannot wait to hold you, to feel you against my chest, to hear you cry for the first time, and to watch you while you sleep.

Your daddy will be a good daddy. He cannot wait for you either. He already loves you more than the whole wide world. He will comfort you when you are sad and bring you great joy every day. He will love you unconditionally and always look out for you. He will teach you to fix cars, play ball, and even do some paintball. (Yes, even if you are a girl!) But he will also teach you how to be kind and caring. He will teach you to always look on the bright side of things. That no matter what if you have the people you love then that is all that you need.

You have taught me many things my little one. Trusting in God has been one of them. I have blamed myself for not having you here sooner. I know I shouldn’t and God is teaching me how to deal with that. I am trying to understand that you will come when he plans. God is showing me patience, love, and how to build my faith. For I know that he and he alone can heal the pain and hurt I have for not having you.

My sweet baby no matter how you come into our lives I want you to know that I have prayed for you every second of the day for the past two years. I will continue to pray for you all of your life. I love you more than you can ever imagine. More than the whole wide world.

-Mommy

Hello...

My name is Brittany. I am 24 years old  and the thing that I want most more than anything in the world is to start a family with my wonderful husband Stephen.  This blog is for me to share that journey --past events, present and future-- happenings of this journey.   There will be happy, so-so, and sad posts here. I will spill my heart out and try to be completely honest, more-so for myself than anything.

Stephen and I first met September of 2003. I remember the day like it was yesterday.  I had to do "time for time" because I had missed four days of school. My twin, Michelle,had one of those annoying child development babies so she was staying after school to hitch a ride so she wouldn't kill the baby on the bus. I had walked into my twin's 6th period Geometry class to see her and my best friend Paige. I stood and talked to Paige for a minute and Stephen was there talking with us. My twin then walks up to our group. Stephen proceeds to look at me- look back at Michelle-look at me--look at Michelle; then he lifts up his hands and says "There are two of you!!" I knew at that moment that I liked him.  It could have been his very handsome dimples, the amazing red/ginger hair, or the sleep crease on his forehead from sleeping all of math class I am not sure what it was but I couldn't forget him.

                                            

                                                          Our first picture together

                                                Together in Geometry class--oh that jacket

 Since I conveniently worked in the school office I found out his schedule and locker number the next day. Stalker can anyone say :D.  I also made sure I was around his classes (luckily we went to a one hallway high school) and locker so I could always sneak in a couple Hi's and how are you's. I talked to him everyday since that day. I had my best friend find out if he liked me. I wrote him notes though he only wrote back twice--once in my notebook and once in my year book. (I still have both of those notes 9 years later!!)  We did the high school dating thing for the whole school year. We only talked at school and only saw each other at school.    July 19, 2004 we went on our first date!   My mom was out of town and I was with best friend Paige's house. We each told her mom that my mom was okay with me going out with him :).   So we he picked me up in his wonderful white Mustang and we went to...Starbucks. Just sat and talked for hours!!   The following weekend we went on "mom's first date".    We stayed together until January 2005 and we broke it off.  We stayed friends after he graduated and saw each other a couple times. August 2006 we connected again :)  I was now at college and we were on the same campus everyday. Ever since then we have been together :)   July 17, 2008 he asked me to marry him on top of a waterfall :0.  I said "YES"!   July 18 2009 we said our vows in front of 150+ family and friends.  June 2010 we bought our first house and decided that we wanted to start trying for a family.   The road has been long and hard but we have held strong to each other. I love him more than the whole wide world. With out  him I would be lost and utterly alone.  He has loved me through sooo much over the years.  He has just loved me. As I know one day when we have children he will just love them for who they are.   So join me on this journey of life. I hope we both learn something from it.




       Rock Island- Where he proposed, we were standing all the small spot between the two falls!


                           
                                                     Engagement Photo

  

                                  July 18, 2009 --wedding photo by Nashville Photography Group